Thursday, September 12, 2013

Long Post

This has been a very long week, mentally.  So this is going to be quite a long post, too.

Last night was the MRI that I had been dreading since I made the appointment on Monday.  It wasn't SO bad but I get myself so anxious and nervous, that it could have been better.  It was indeed an open MRI but the machine was still hovering about 3-4 inches above my face.  However, I kept my head tilted to the side and stared at Saro the whole time, sqeezing his hand as if I were in pain.  I wasn't in pain, it was just my nerves.  My heart raced almost the entire time.

They do let you choose your own music so of course I chose Fleetwood Mac.

After a stressful 40 minutes, it was over.  If you're one of those people who can do a regular MRI with no problem, I give you props. 

I went back to my doctor/lower back specialist this morning (nothing says wake up like a 7:30am dr appointment) for more physical therapy and he's pretty sure what I have is anterolisthesis & disc herniation.  He's waiting for a confirmation from the MRI place.  This will probably mean weeks & week & months & months of physical therapy.  I don't mind going there - it's a nice, comfortable office, close to home but it's still frustrating. 

I want to run and can't.  I was able to slowly jog two miles the other night but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. 

Another issue bothering me this week is that I'm not liking the # I'm seeing on the scale.  I've been eating the same things but due to lack of intense exercise, I think the # is going up.

Lastly and probably most important, I had an appointment with my gynocologist to discuss another issue from recent blood work - hypothyroidism, which means I need to be on synthroid for the rest of my life.  I know it's not life altering, but still.  It might explain the minimal weight gain and the fact that my hair seems like it's falling out.  I'm not sure if it's from the thyroid issue or the fact that it's getting longer and is more tangled, so it gets knotty and more hair is appearing on my brush.

That's not even the MOST important issue.....the most important issue (not new news) is that I can't conceive children.  I've known about this for 13 years, since I was 16.  I stopped getting my period when I was a sophomore in high school (after having it regularly for 3 or so years).  Blood work showed and still shows that my TSH hormone levels are at 5.  Normal is 2.5.  Anything above that brings risk for the baby's brain and other things. 

What I have is premature ovarian failure and I've known about it for 13 years.

The options, as confirmed on Tuesday, which I already knew are egg donation and adoption.

My doctor asked me if my fiance knows.  Is she kidding?  YES, he's known for almost the entire length of our 6 year relationship, I told her and YES we're getting married.

So, while it's upsetting (I cried a little bit in her office because I'm now 29 - not the 16 year old I once was, who wasn't thinking about KIDS at the time), it is what it is.  I'm not sure if I'm one of those people who will try anything to have a child, especially since it's very risky for the child and myself.  Yes, I have a uterus so I can physically carry a child but IVF with egg donation isn't guaranteed and not everyone has $30,000 to risk.

So, that has been my week.  Sorry if some of it is TMI.  I've tried to write about it before but deleted it.

Here's to a new day.  I can breathe a little easier because I have some more clear answers regarding my back issue.


  1. Do you follow Mama Chrissy?? You should get in touch w/ her about not being able to have your own baby and about adoption. Sometimes its just nice to have someone to talk to who's on the same page. I know her and Ang are good blogging buddies so she'll have her contact info if you don't. Aside from that, I am so sorry you have to even worry and think about this. I'm really glad you shared, tho. Now you have all of our support! Sending you a big virtual (((((HUG)))))!

    As for the back, that's small potatoes in the big scheme of things. You'll do therapy, maybe take some meds or have a procedure and you'll keep on living your life. Small potatoes!!!

    The hypothyroidism, same thing. Take your meds, you'll feel better, things will get better in that dept and that's really all that matters w/ that. It's not life threatening, small potatoes.

    I know, easy for me to say b/c it's not my life, but sometimes it takes someone who's standing back from the situation to remind you of the bigger picture. Like Saro. And your awesome wedding and marriage! Get this stuff taken care of now so on your big day you don't have to worry about it!

    Thinking of you girlie! Hang in there!!!

  2. Oh boy, sounds like a rough week. I can't say I know how you feel, but I'm glad you shared and maybe it helped a bit to get some of it off your chest! I love the quote, too!! And sending you hugs from Canada!